Falling in Love Once again...

I woke up every morningWith this smile on my faceBecause i just got done thinkingof your soft embrace.The looks you gave meMade me think you were feeling me tooSo i began to flirt a little bitAnd so did you =]Just thinking of you makes me happyEverytime i see you i get butterfliesI just love the way you make me feelI believe that you can be different from all the other guys.So this is the part where im suppose to say i love youBut in reality i want to but its to early for thatI believe it could be loveIm actually pretty sure it is perhaps

There was once a child...

Once upon a time there was a small child... a child with wide eyes of innocence and security. A child that could laugh and play. A child that could cry and be comforted. A child that could make silly faces in the mirror and be glad to see silly faces looking back.
One day, this little child was crushed. Maybe it was because this small child was made to feel no good. Told not to cry. Hit with a hand or a stick. Sexually abused. It might have been the parental conflicts and family dysfunction, it might have been dad's alcoholism or mom's push of food as comfort, or maybe the death or abandonment of one or both parents. Maybe it was the ridicule by peers or the ingrained phrase "you'd be better only if..." Maybe not all of these things, maybe just one... or maybe something else. Either way this child felt bad.
As this child grew so did the bad feelings. Sometimes it was easy to feel loved with a lot of ice-cream. Sometimes it felt good to let built up anger or sadness go with vomitting. It felt good to binge and then take laxatives as a means of reaffirming the bad feelings, to self-punish. Sometimes the small child felt in control of life restricting food intake or jogging for 3 hours. The only thing this small child knew was that losing weight would make life better, and that concentrating on the food made it forgettable.
The child became overweight, binging to fill the void. "Food is my only friend, it will comfort me." The child could not seem to get enough, the void was never filled but temporarily. Plus, the excess weight made it easy to keep people away. To steer clear of vulnerability. "Life would be better if I could just lose weight." Cook books, this diet, that diet, baking. Endless hours in the kitchen preparing food. This child began purging after binges... the tension and self-hate seemed to lift, and the guilt from feeling like a glutton for so many things, for feeling selfish, for making a mistake, would fade. Laxatives and diet pills, dieuretics and fasting. "My life will be good when I lose the weight." Striving for perfection, this child began to avoid food. No more than ________ calories today... no more than ________ tomorrow. The control was unbelievable! "I'm not feeling well" or "I already ate." No more silly faces, but a tired and broken body reflecting back in the mirror saying, "just a few more pounds and life will be better."
Headaches, dizziness, fatigue and joint pain. Isolation and lonliness. Hyperactivity and insomnia. Back and chest pains. Moodiness. Depression on top of depression. Sickness."Life will surely get better soon..."And then...this overweight, this "normal" weight, this underweight child died.
The doctors said,"heart attack," "kidney failure,""stroke.""We did all we could."
I cry for this child, in the end feeling alone and like no one cared. Feeling worthless and stupid, and like a burden to those in life. I cry for this wounded child whose life ends at 12, 15, 25, 38, 55, because of Compulsive Overeating, Anorexia or Bulimia. I cry as I read the words, carved into this childs' headstone, on a small grave now far away:
I need more time to find the real me...to fly like the birds... to be set free.Why couldn't I stop until I had died?It was hate for myself hidden inside.

Negative Voices

In terms of an Eating Disorder, the voices we hear, they are the voice we give to our own self-hate and lack of self-worth. They are sometimes referred to as negative voices, negative tapes, or negative thoughts.
For a person who has never suffered an Eating Disorder, the best way to understand the "voices" is to imagine your own self-dialogue. Have you ever made a mistake and berated yourself, in thought, for it? Have you ever had a hard time making a decision, and you mulled over all the pros and cons in your mind? Imagine that your own self-thinking and thoughts about yourself were nothing but negative, and imagine that it felt like the only way to get rid of that negative "voice" was by thinking about food, weight and eating.
As someone battling an Eating Disorder, there is so much confusion in hearing these "voices"... they speak from a place within us that is filled with low self-esteem, that wants to believe we deserve not to be happy, and to believe that we are worthless. I've heard them described as "loud thoughts", "my own head" and as "a voice/voices". They speak those things that convince us we're stupid, worthless, deserving to be unhappy, not to eat, to keep eating or that we have to get rid of what we ate. They tell us "the world would be better without you." They come from that place within us plagued with negativity and self-hate, encouraging us to continue with our Eating Disorder, and convincing us that we do not deserve recovery, that we deserve a life of pain.
The voices of our Eating Disorders also convince us we have no will power, that we are weak when we've eaten, and that no one will ever love us. They harass us with guilt and even berate us for the Eating Disorder behavior itself. It is no wonder recovery is so difficult and such hard work. We are battling with ourselves over what we are convinced we deserve (and that our negative voices keep reminding us of) as opposed to what we truly do deserve (recovery, happiness and self-love!).
Learning to deal with the voices is a difficult task... learning to not listen to them can be like killing your best friend. It's confusing and scary. In a lot of cases our Eating Disorders have kept us focused off of ourselves and emotions, and if we stop listening to the voices, well then what will feed our Eating Disorder? One of the essential ingredients to recovery is learning to love yourself, and the voices fight hard to keep that from happening. Once we can all conquer the voice or voices inside of us that continue to reinforce our negativity, we will find our path to the other side.

Have you ever...

Have you ever felt like breaking down.. and runng away...?
I have....=/
Life isn't simple.. it's not like eating a peice of pie... it's like hard candy you gotta work on it til you have the right chance to take a bite and make it different... The things in life aren' simple.. and will need work.. Did you know more than 83% of the time in our lives we try fixing problems that only god knows how to fix.. but we keep telling ourselves it'll work it's gotta.. but never happens.=/... We just need to know when we are about to do the wrong things that there is ALWAYS gonna be a consequence and there will ALWAYS be a backfire whether it be good or bad =/... Life is almost like a teacher and we are it's students.. You have all heard the saying we learn from our mistakes well... if the world is our teacher.. then we must be learning alot.. becuase of all the mistakes the world has and things but it seems no matter how much we pay attention we still make those SAME mistakes... over.. and... over again.. knowing the SAME result is gonna happen each time.. =/
What is it we don't understand?.. is it the wanting/ or need to do wrong things or just habit... or sin.... taking over..? who knows but what we do KNOW is that our mistakes will just get worse or bigger cause we don't learn from them... A wise man.. once said.. If you do not remember the past you are condemned to repeat it and he is right... It goes for everything no matter WHAT you do.. if you do not remember what you did wrong you'll make the same mistake twice or even MORE times..=/